How To Have Ineffective Meetings
A Masterclass in Wasting Time!
Ah, meetings—the beloved ritual of corporate life, where productivity goes to die, and caffeine-fueled optimism slowly turns into existential dread. If you’ve ever wondered how to transform a perfectly good hour of your day into a mind-numbing vortex of useless chatter, congratulations! You’ve already cracked the code of ineffective meetings. But why settle for average? Today, I’m here to teach you how to truly elevate the art of wasting time with meetings that accomplish absolutely nothing.
Because why send a Slack message or an email when you can drag ten people into a room to discuss what could have been handled in five lines of text? Let’s dive in.
Step 1: Schedule All the Meetings. All of Them.
The first rule of ineffective meetings? More is more. Got a new cool idea? Meeting. A minor bug in the code? Better call a meeting. The coffee machine broke down? Definitely a meeting—how else will you explore the impact on company morale? Remember, the goal isn’t to solve problems; it’s to get everyone into a room (physical or virtual) so you can hear the sweet symphony of people saying, “Can you see my screen?” on repeat.
Pro Tip:
Don’t limit yourself to just one type of meeting. Why stop at the daily stand-up when you can have the refinements, the deep-dive, the sync-up, the all-hands, the planning session, and let’s not forget the “Quick Catch-Up” that’s never actually quick? Aim for a calendar that looks like the timeline of a multiverse sci-fi movie—branching, convoluted, and impossible to follow without a flowchart and a quantum physicist on hand.
Real Life Example:
I once worked with a team that had so many meetings, they had to schedule a separate meeting to prioritize which meetings to attend. I kid you not, there was a “Meeting to Discuss Meetings” that somehow managed to run over time. And no, we didn’t solve anything, but we did decide that, yes, more meetings were definitely needed. Success? I think so.
Step 2: Agendas Are for Amateurs.
Why bother with an agenda? Agendas are just restrictive shackles that hold back the free flow of ideas. The best ineffective meetings have no clear objectives, no plan, and no sense of direction. Just dive right in and see where the chaos takes you. Will you start with last week’s blocker? Or maybe an impromptu 20-minute debate about the best way to update Jira tickets? Who knows? It’s all part of the fun.
Pro Tip:
If someone dares to ask, “What’s the agenda?” just respond with, “Oh, we’re just going to have a quick discussion.” Quick, of course, being the operative word that’s never true. Watch the confusion set in as participants try to figure out why they’re there. It’s like an escape room but without an escape.
Real Life Example:
In one memorable meeting, our discussion started with roadmap priorities but somehow veered off into a heated debate about the best monitoring tool out there. Did we have the budget to sign a monitoring tool? No. Was it related to what we were supposed to be talking about? Absolutely not. But did it eat up our 45 minutes? You bet it did.
Step 3: Invite Everyone. And I Mean Everyone.
The secret to truly ineffective meetings is to make them as inclusive as possible. Don’t just invite those who need to be there—invite everyone who’s ever looked at the project sideways. Got a new intern? Throw them in. The finance person who occasionally checks the project budget? Why not? More people mean more ideas, right? Wrong. It just means more people pretending to care while checking their emails or Slack messages.
Pro Tip:
The true art lies in inviting people who have no clue why they’re there. If at least one person isn’t saying, “Sorry, why am I here again?” then you’ve failed. Bonus points if you can pull in someone from an unrelated department just to watch the confusion unfold.
Real Life Example:
I was once in a product planning session where we had not only developers and product managers but also someone from HR, two marketing folks, and the office dog walker (well, not their actual title but you get the point). Did they add value to the meeting? No. Did we manage to confuse the heck out of everyone? Absolutely.
Step 4: Let the Loudest Voice Dominate.
Every great meeting has that one person who takes over. The one who knows just enough to derail the discussion but not enough to contribute anything useful. This person is your secret weapon. Encourage them. Let them talk endlessly about that one edge-case that no one else cares about. The more off-topic, the better. If they can hijack the meeting, your job is halfway done.
Pro Tip:
Never, ever intervene. The last thing you want is a facilitator who actually facilitates. Just let the loudest person have their moment. And if someone tries to redirect the conversation? Shut that down immediately. We’re here for the monologue, not the productivity.
Real Life Example:
I once sat through an entire meeting that was supposed to be about sprint planning but ended up being a 30-minute monologue from one developer about how he once optimized a database query in 2003. Was it relevant? No. Was it impressive? Also no. But it did fill the time, and isn’t that what we’re here for?
Step 5: Time Is a Social Construct.
Time is a flexible concept, especially when it comes to meetings. Why respect the 30-minute slot when you can go 45? Or better yet, just keep going until someone finally has to fake a bathroom emergency to escape or the more effective, ”I have to jump on another call”. Remember, ineffective meetings never respect the clock. The more time you waste, the more you assert your dominance over the agenda-less chaos you’ve created.
Pro Tip:
Always add that extra, “Oh, before we go…” just when everyone thinks it’s over. It’s like a Marvel post-credit scene but with less excitement and more misery.
Real Life Example:
One meeting I attended was booked for an hour but ran for two. By the time we finally wrapped up, three people had dropped off the call, and one person was clearly making dinner in the background. Did we solve the issue at hand? No. But we did successfully waste half an afternoon, and really, that’s the mark of a truly ineffective meeting.
Step 6: End Without Next Steps.
Congratulations, you’ve managed to burn an hour (or more) of everyone’s life. But don’t ruin it by actually concluding with the next steps or action items. That’s rookie behavior. End with something vague like, “Let’s regroup on this later” or “I think we’re making progress.” Spoiler alert: You’re not.
Pro Tip:
Make sure no one leaves with a clear sense of what’s supposed to happen next. If people are asking, “So, what’s the takeaway here?” you’ve nailed it. Bonus points if you can end the meeting with a promise to “circle back” without any concrete follow-up plan.
Real Life Example:
The best ineffective meeting I ever attended ended with, “I think we have a lot to think about here.” We didn’t. No one had any idea what the next steps were, and the issue that sparked the meeting. Still unresolved weeks later. But hey, we did manage to put something on the calendar for next week. Progress, right?
Final Thoughts: The Rule of Two Feet
Now, if you’re someone who’s tired of these ineffective meetings (and let’s face it, who isn’t?), there’s a little-known secret called the “Rule of Two Feet” It’s simple: if you’re not adding value, or it’s not adding value to you, feel free to walk away. But of course, that’s only for those who actually want to reclaim their time. For the rest of us? Well, we’ll be here, in the next meeting, pretending to listen while silently planning our escape.
So, go forth and schedule. And remember, a meeting isn’t truly ineffective until it’s turned into a complete waste of time for everyone involved. That’s the dream.
That pretty much sums it up. lol
This is amazing! 😂